I know I am in depression maybe evensevere depression because I really could care less about anything. And I mean anything.
- I didn’t want to get out of bed.
- I didn’t want to go to work.
- I didn’t want to bother getting dressed.
- I wanted to just sit around and stare at the wall.
- I feel hopeless
- i feel numb
- I feel useless
- I feel that nothing I did mattered anyway so why would I even bother
I wanted to just sit in my room and cry or stare off into space, head in the pillows and the room as dark as I could make it. It’s not winter here yet, but its cold. It’s about 32 degrees outside. I hate the cold so it only adds to my misery. Its a week before Christmas, the tree isn’t finished, the house isn’t decorated and we are having a Holiday party on Saturday; about 20 people and about 25 people over on Christmas day. I’d rather crawl in my room and stay there till January 3rd. Why the 3rd – I have to work. I’m not even looking forward to working so why do I even care about that. But I have to – I have bills to pay, a child to take care of and a husband who can’t do it all on his own.
This is how I know I am in severe depression. My mother-in-law came with the dog, she is here till after Christmas and even though I should be thrilled everything she does or the dog does annoys me. So I leave and go sit in my room alone. She is my only mother, my mother died three years ago. Could it be that-the holidays aren’t the same without her. My dad is an asshole at times since she’s been gone and he can’t stand the holiday, when he doesn’t he brings me down. I sit in my classroom waiting for the bell to ring writing this wishing I was home or dead – whichever one came first I wouldn’t even complain.
There is no need to psycho analyze me, I do not feel like even writing but I know I must get this out to the world so one day maybe someone will read it and care about how bipolar can suck the life out of you.